Hi friends! Long time, no talk. I am so sorry I just seemed to drop off the face of the planet, but I promise I had a good reason. Life was getting to be too much. I was feeling uninspired, overwhelmed, and generally down. This blog and my instagram weren’t fun for me anymore…it felt like more of a chore and it left me feeling anxious. I decided to take a step back and just focus on my well-being because giving you content that you nor I are excited about is not beneficial for anyone! For anyone who needs to read this, here is how I got through it:
Have a support system
These are the people who are there for you through thick and thin. They don’t judge whatever state you’re in and they lend a hand when you ask. For me, these people were my family and my boyfriend. In the past, I couldn’t express my emotions because I wasn’t able to process them. Knowing that they just want me to be happy and safe made it easier (I still have trouble with this, but some progress is better than no progress) for me to reach out when I felt like I was drowning. They provided me with a strong foundation to stand on until I was able to get back on my feet.
Another constant was Jesus. Believing that Jesus loves us in every season of life was easier said than done. When I felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean, He was my oxygen mask. He kept me alive. Mending my relationship with God is still a work in progress and I realize that it always will be. Surrounding myself with gospel music and reading daily devotions showed me that He is with me every single day, not just on Sunday when I show up to church. For those people who think “well why would He put you through that in the first place?” I say that God loves breaking people down to practically nothing to build them up in His image. Although it was a dark time in my life, I wholeheartedly believe that it was done for a reason and lessons were learned.
Get out of your comfort zone
This one took a little bit of time. I had all of these ideas for things, but needed a push with some of them. One of them was starting therapy. I was kind of forced into it, but I knew it was needed. Telling a stranger about my struggles and diving deep into myself proved a challenge. It took me a couple of appointments to warm up to my therapist. He has given me coping strategies and a listening ear. I really hate that he’s retiring so soon, but looking for another therapist doesn’t seem as daunting as the first time! One of the strategies to cope with my anxieties was to be repetitive, and soon enough the anxiety would fade once I realize that I could do it.
Another instance of getting out of my box was actually deciding to play Dungeons and Dragons (I get called a nerd daily, so don’t play haha). I’m still getting used to the rules, but I am darn proud of myself for just putting myself out there and trying something I never EVER thought I would do.
Rediscover old passions
Videography used to be my identity. That was what I was known for: making weird videos for church and for fun. Then came a time where it all came to a halt. Picking up a camera literally made me want to cry from being overwhelmed. I know that seems silly to some, but it was a deafening reality. I hated that I hated it. I didn’t have a hobby or interests and became stuck. Everything I tried, I didn’t love as much as creating stories through film. So I quit. Time after time, so much money and life lost trying to find who I was again.
It wasn’t until my aunt and cousin asked if I would capture my cousin’s wedding that I became excited about creating again. But that anxiety was still in the back of my mind. Was I good enough? This is her big day, I only get one shot at this, I don’t want to mess it up. The day of the wedding did not go as planned for me. There were many hiccups on my part, but hey, they were lessons learned. The main point is that I got through it. Editing is my favorite part and looking at the footage reinspired me. It’s far from perfect and I know what I should have done to make it even better, but the final product made me proud. I did the dang thing and I enjoyed myself. Now I have another wedding on the books in July and I had the courage to reach out to my church about helping out with their creative team! Just goes to show that the quote “you never know if you don’t try” rings true 100%.
Fall back in love with yourself
This was by far the most challenging task. Being in a season of anxiety and depression puts so many self-depricating thoughts into your mind. I knew I needed to be okay with myself to get through the darkness. I did a few different things. First, taking a step back and becoming less “busy” was crucial. I had to stop blogging for my sanity. I started saying no to things. If I couldn’t be completely myself and couldn’t be fully present, I declined the offer. That led to me just staying home all day in Netflix mode, which I realize isn’t healthy either. It was tough to find a balance. I go out a couple times a week (a part from scheduled appointments), I workout, and I make plans with my friends. Finding the balance between going out for my sanity and staying home because I truly did not want to go was tough, but I think I’ve almost got it figured out!
Another thing I had to stop was making awful jokes about myself. Staying in bed all day being sedentary caused a lot of weight gain and I would point it out and make a joke of it before someone could judge me for it. In my mind, I thought that if I joked about myself, it wouldn’t make my problems seem as bad. That just distorted my reality and how I viewed myself. I have very dark humor and it wasn’t helping my situation. Learning to see my body for what it is and bring myself up instead of down is the biggest lesson I have gotten out of this. This goes right back to having the support system in place that can help bring you up. I hated compliments because I thought none of it was true, but now I am trying to see myself through their eyes and that is helping rewire my brain to see myself that way, too.
If nobody gets anything out of this, that’s okay. This is honestly my way to process what has been happening to me the past few months. If you are reading this and you are in the same boat I was, please know that, as cliche as it sounds, it does get better. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and there are so many people waiting for you to get there and cheering you on.